02/25/2021
I sincerely wish I could say that tonight’s inspiration for what I am about to write comes from a wrong committed against me that I have managed to turn into something positive, but I cannot be totally transparent and twist it that way. Not if I want my writing to always portray the “realest” version of the me that exists. So, here goes.
As a child, my perception was that I didn’t have a protector–someone to step in and fight for me or defend me. I carried this into adulthood and into many…*sigh* many relationships that failed because they didn’t live up to my expectations in this one area. The underlying self-talk was “Keep trying until SOMEONE defends your honor!” Truth is? There was not one shred of me that was honorable in my actions as an adult. So really, what was there to defend?
Now, remember what I wrote the other day about the mean customer who was so annoyed at me and cussed me out at work? Well, what I didn’t write was that a person of managerial power had the opportunity to defend me and he did not. Another expectation busted all to heck. After I processed my feelings regarding the vile customer, I found that I wasn’t even upset at him anymore. I was upset at the person who should’ve defended me and didn’t.
Fast-forward to today. I had the opportunity to have a meeting with this person with 2 other managers present, and I was pretty much allowed to tell him my feelings about his actions (or non-actions), and boy, did I! Normally when I know I am going to confront someone I have an entire speech ready in my head, and it NEVER comes out the way I plan it. In my anxiety of the confrontation, I get tongue-tied or I forget those jugular cuts or I completely fold all together and don’t say anything. Not today! *face palm* When I tell you it was ‘No Holds barred’, I am not lyin’! I didn’t scream. I didn’t cuss. But I said what I felt, and my feelings had no filter. And I certainly didn’t suffer from temporary memory loss on all the things I had rehearsed in my head. I should’ve walked away from that moment celebrating like Rocky at the top of all those steps. Instead, I walked away with absolutely no peace and a feeling of shame I couldn’t quite understand at first.
Right after what was supposed to be a victory tongue lashing, I walked to my car for lunch. The length of this walk is about a football field. In that 100 yards the Holy Spirit did what He likes to do and gently nudged me with just this: “I am your defender, Amanda. What you just did was unnecessary. You took my job from me, and you became his judge.” …Ouch, y’all…just…ouch *sigh*
When I got to my car, I wearily sat down in the driver’s seat and quietly closed myself in on my humiliation. Picture a child seated before a parent about to try and explain her disobedient actions. That was me. My head was bowed in contrition, my hands folded in my lap, one thumb nervously fiddling with the other. I sat there knowing in my heart that I had disappointed my Daddy. I can’t even tell you the depth of my sadness in that moment. Even sitting here now, articulating it out to you makes my heart so heavy it’s almost unbearable.
My flesh is fighting my fingers to explain to you all the reasons why my actions were warranted. Excuses that range from the little girl who felt like she never had a defender to the grown woman who sometimes still looks for her defender to be in human form. But the truth is, y’all? I messed up today.
I had no heavenly right to say the things I said, even if I thought they were true in the moment. I had no right to take God’s job and make it my own. I had no right to open my mouth to defend myself because someone I thought should, didn’t. It didn’t make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse. It didn’t change the outcome of the situation from the other day. And the worst realization I’m just now coming to? It probably made those involved question my walk with Christ. Surely my righteous indignation towards this co-worker didn’t make him want to know MORE about the God I serve.
I wish I could say that I am closing out this day having learned a lesson and moved on, but since I am nothing if not transparent, I have to be honest and say, yes, I’ve learned a lesson but I haven’t quite moved on. I know I disappointed my Daddy and that hurts me the most, I think. I know I may have tainted how others see me as a Christian example. I know I have some old hurts I’m hanging on to that make me think I need a defender other than God. And I know I can’t simply let this go with just a quick prayer of repentance. This deserves a little bit of time to marinate in my spirit. Not the kind of marinating that makes me sit in shame. No, this deserves a little more time of self-reflection and some brutal honesty with God…and from God.
He will rescue the poor when they cry out to Him; He will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them. Psalms 72:12
I opened my BibleApp to find a poignant scripture about God being my defender, and the one above jumped out at me because of the very first line. What does it say? “He will rescue…when they cry out to Him.”
*sigh* I didn’t cry out to him, y’all. I didn’t make him a part of anything that happened today until AFTER my mistake was already made. Isn’t this just like me? Yes. Yes, it is.
I love yooouu!! ❤️
I love you my sweet cousin. Can’t wait to see what God has for you next!
This sounds amazing!! What a line up. Blessings and prayers ahead of this needed conference!
Thank you for sharing ♥️
Poetic and beautiful. Thanks for sharing