As I settle back on my bed against my big plush pillow, I find myself breathing out this prayer: Holy Spirit, I invite you to speak through my fingers and onto this page to whoever decides to read this. Prepare their hearts for what you will convey in this post. And don’t let me walk away from this one unchanged. Amen

I’ve been on an overthinking hiatus the last several weeks which is why I haven’t been able to write. A mind filled with nonsense is not really conducive to hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. But the chaos of all my thoughts is starting to clear and there is a common theme I haven’t been able to escape as of late. Maybe it’s because I’m teaching a lesson in my recovery meeting in less than two weeks on this very subject…or maybe it’s just time for this particular step and principle to finally be worked and walked out in my own life. Whatever the case may be, today it must come out and be shared here.

I’m talking about making amends and offering forgiveness. I can hear the groans from all of you, but please just hear me out.

Over the last several weeks I’ve had three separate opportunities to make an amends to people I’ve hurt in my past. There was no warning from the Holy Spirit that any of these would take place when they did. There was just a prompt in my spirit to do it…and so I did. Each one left my shoulders feeling just a little bit lighter.

So if you are working the steps in recovery maybe you can relate to the following: wanting to make amends to someone who doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. My thoughts continue to circle back to one particular person who I want so badly to see face to face…someone I want so badly to look me in the eye and SEE that I mean what I say. However, with this person I know that it may not be within the realm of possibility. Don’t get me wrong. I KNOW I serve a God who does the impossible! But because of the hurt I know I caused this person, I do not want to push it and consequently cause more harm than good.

So, I hope you’ll understand if I bare my soul, make my amends, and offer my own forgiveness…here. 👇

Dear Jeff*,

It’s been awhile. And while I am certain you may never read this I also know that God is sovereign and He can do what He wants so…just bear with me.

*Deep breath*

Twenty years ago I chose a path that I never dreamed could lead me into the destruction it did. When I met you, I had been an addict for 13 years and somehow managed to keep it under wraps until after we married. The longest I had ever stayed clean in those 13 years was 18 days… For deceiving you in such a way, I am so sorry.

I had this illusion that a perfect family and a perfect husband would somehow “fix” me, and the pressure of what I wanted to be along with the reality of who I would never be (in my current condition) was much too much for me. For being a total fake, I am sorry.

For manipulating you as easily as I breathed in and out some days, I am sorry.

For forcing you to choose between me and your children, I am sorry.

For bringing chaos and toxicity into your peaceful life, I am sorry.

For tricking you into thinking that I was spiritually where I was not, I am sorry.

For stealing more than just those years from you, I am sorry.

For never taking responsibility for my actions, I am sorry.

For not loving your children the way they deserved, I am sorry.

For not loving you the way you deserved, I am sorry.

For making you responsible for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health, I am sorry.

I. Am. Sorry.

For giving up on me when I needed you most, I forgive you. Today as I write, I fully understand why you did, and my heart no longer hurts to think of it.

Lastly, thank you for the times you valiantly withstood the storms in me. In those moments I caught a glimpse of true love unlike any I have experienced except with Jesus.

But most of all, thank you for letting me go so that Jesus could pull me in. If not for you, I would not know Him as intimately as I do today.

Today I have almost 2 1/2 years of sobriety under my belt…I’m doing okay. I pray daily that you have come to a place of forgiveness towards me. Not because I need it from you, but because you deserve it for you.

With all my love,

Amanda

*Name has been changed