Wilderness Livin’

“The wilderness is a locale for intense experiences–of stark need for food and water (manna and quails), of isolation (Elijah and the still small voice), of danger and divine deliverance (Hagar and Ishmael), of renewal, of encounters with God (Moses and the burning bush)…”

I read this somewhere this morning, and it hit me square between the eyes. In a post a few days ago, I asserted that I might be a little bit depressed, but as I have dug deep into The Word, I’m learning otherwise.

Elijah, Moses, Hagar, and even my best friend, Jesus were led into a wilderness at some point. So…I don’t think I’m depressed…I think I’m in a desert.

August 11th will mark three years that I laid down my life and surrendered it to Jesus Christ. For the most part, it’s been a quiet and peaceful 3 years with only a few hiccups. My intimate relationship with Him has grown exponentially since 2019, yet these days, I feel so far away from Him. He’s grown quiet, and I have felt myself slipping deep into loneliness, despair, and self-doubt. I’m questioning Him and His plan for me. It’s really a very miserable place to be.

In 1 Kings 19 that hussy, Jezebel, wormed her way into Elijah’s head, and it sent him running straight for the hills–quite literally.

Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” 1 Kings 19:4 NLT

I imagine Elijah leaned back against this tree, hand on his forehead, palm out as though a damsel in distress, repeating this plea to the Lord. “I’ve had enough, Lord! Take my life…!”

I wish I could talk to Elijah and just say, “Bro, I GET it!” Taunts from my enemy have wormed their way into my head since March, and in my weakest moments, I have believed them. I know I have said to the Lord in my own way, “Just take me out! I can’t handle this!” Yet, here I still sit with breath in my lungs…but in a dry wasteland of nothingness. At least…that’s the way it feels.

Elijah’s story encourages me. A great prophet came to the end of himself, believed lies from an enemy, became afraid, ran away, and all but gave up. His response, though…mmm…I am so thankful that the Lord shows me things like this when I need it.

Elijah CRIED OUT TO THE LORD! In his wilderness he didn’t sit and wonder where God was because I think he knew He was close. To prove that point, scripture tells us in 1 Kings 19:5-8 that an angel of the Lord visited him and encouraged him–not once but twice–to eat and drink for the journey ahead. Not only was he encouraged, but there was also provision!

Over the last two days I have cried out to God. For the most part I have only heard a deafening silence, but I have felt an overwhelming comfort. I’m believing that the comfort I’ve felt is the Lord letting me know He’s still here. He’s still with me. He’s encouraged me to feast on His word and each time, He’s provided me something so hearty and filling that this dry place I might be in doesn’t seem so parched this morning.

The intense experiences in my wilderness are part of some sort of test for me, I think. Will I remember what the Lord has taught me and, in those moments of silence, respond well? Or will I prolong my desert roaming by complaining or not responding at all?

If I have learned nothing over the last few days, I have at least learned that I can simply cry out to God. No matter how ugly it might be, I just need to let my overflowing cup spill out to Him. I am confident He will meet me there.