Strength in Weakness

“Today is July 1…my sobriety birthday month. If I make it to July 26th that will make 3 years of sobriety. But if I’m honest, I do not want to be sober or clean right now…or tomorrow…or the day after that.”

Of the three years I’ve been experiencing life on life’s terms, the last 6 months have been the hardest for me. That quote above was an actual text message I sent to someone close to me when I was at my very worst…and seriously considering relapse.

Over the last three years I’ve learned a little about myself, and my patterns. For me, relapse is very close to the forefront of my thoughts when my emotions become overwhelming. The beginning of 2022 marked the onset of an increase in that very problem that escalated slowly into a final red flag six months later.

What was the red flag? I found an alcoholic drink in my department one morning that someone had abandoned during their shopping the night before. I had a complete thought process that included how I could hide it in my blue Wal-Mart vest, take it to the bathroom, and then drink it. I vividly remember dropping the bottle like a hot potato on a pallet of freight in front me and taking at least a minute to stand and stare at it. I could feel my eyes widen at the audacity of my thoughts.

I was so shaken by this that I waited for my bay supervisor to come in that morning and, without explanation, told him I had to leave. I cried all the way home that day. I felt such a deep sense of shame…shame that my thoughts had gone to such a dark place for a moment…shame that I wasn’t strong enough to keep them in check at all times. Then I started to doubt my relationship with Jesus. Maybe I didn’t know Him as intimately as I thought if I didn’t trust Him to get me through this hard stuff. Maybe He was disappointed in me for having this relapse in thought. And, if He’s disappointed in me, He might change His mind about His plans for me.

“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” John 10:10 NLT

The devil is a liar, y’all.

With what must have been supernatural strength, I sent a text message to one of my most favorite people on earth. A person who embodies the perfect combination of hard truth and compassion. A person who I trust with my deepest, darkest thoughts, and I told on myself. It was the best and worst feeling in the world.

Our recovery journey’s are different–unique–to each one of us. For me, I have to acknowledge and feel my emotions and then move on from them. I realized in this that instead of doing that, I had unpacked and decided to live specifically in my feelings of regret.

I learned something else that day: These moments of weakness are probably going to be necessary for me. It is in those moments that I learn to fully rely on God. It is in those moments that I am reminded of my weaknesses. And it is in those same moments that the strength and power of Jesus Christ is magnified in and over my life.

So…

I forged ahead that day…

…and the next day…

…and the day after that.

I didn’t relapse.

Today, I am officially 3 years clean and sober.

Thank you, Jesus, that though I am weak, You are strong.❤