Shame Off Me

I brought my arms down in the 10th rep of 12 (second set) and glanced down the machines in front of me. On the inhale and exhale of rep 11, I caught the eye of a man sitting two machines down from me working his upper legs. When he saw me, he quickly turned his face to the row of televisions above us, but I stared for a split second longer. I could feel my brow furrow as I pulled down for rep 12 and tried to place why he seemed so familiar. I set my weights down gently so as not to antagonize those in charge of the ‘Lunk Alarm’, and I racked my brain for the period of time I rested until my final set of twelve.

Who is he…who WAS he to me…? I wondered.

Like a sudden underwater wave on an otherwise peaceful ocean, my mind was jostled into remembrance and my heart went straight to my 270’s and back into my throat so fast I thought I would throw up.

Vince*. Brother-in-law of husband #3–Adam*.

I’ve noticed that when I see or hear something or someone familiar from my past, a tape from that part of my life goes bonkers in the memory bank of my mind. In a split second I remembered, once again, the train wreck I had been when I, too, called this man my brother-in-law. All those moments of manipulation and anger and thievery from that time were front and center in my head when I put my machine down at the completion of my 3rd set of 12. My hands shook with anxiety, and I could feel my heartbeat in my temples.

I got up as nonchalantly as I could manage, cleaned my machine, grabbed my phone and water, and headed to the ladies room. I opened my locker, calmly put my bag over my shoulder, and just as calmly-but quickly-walked out of the gym and into the drizzling rain. My workout was over.

I sat in my car for a moment to steady my breath and took a brief inventory of what I was feeling.

I wasn’t ready for that. I wasn’t ready for a familiar face.

I owe him and that entire side of his family a HUGE amends, but instead of starting the process this morning when I recognized him, I walked away like a coward. Ugh, what a fail.

But, even in that fail, the Lord showed me that there is victory, too.

I didn’t avoid this moment out of shame, interestingly enough. I didn’t cower away from making my amends because I remembered things I had done to that family and wanted to hide under a rock, which is a first for me when facing my past. What does it mean, you might ask?

Well, I’ll tell you. It means I’m walking in freedom from shame.

Granted, I don’t feel too great about walking away from an opportunity to give my amends, but I didn’t and don’t feel an underlying icky shame about anything.

Jesus has changed me. He has transformed me. He has given me a heart of flesh where there used to be a heart of stone. He has purposed for me His plan over my life. I walk in freedom from so many things because of Him.

Today I walk in freedom from shame.

“For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17 NLT

Lord, I pray for another opportunity to make my amends. When that moment comes, make me bold. In Jesus name, Amen

*Names have been changed.