
02/17/2021
I am a service writer in the automotive department of a large retail chain store. On any given day, I meet a number of different people, and my ultimate goal is always for them to leave better than when they came. Little did I know that today would be a day that a random customer would, instead, have this effect on me.
He walked in with a friendly “Hello” and I cheerfully answered it back followed by, “How can I help you today?” He briefly explained his problem to which I had to ask him to explain again because, let’s face it, I’m a moron when it comes to “Tech talk”. We got a giggle out of my ignorance at his situation, but he patiently followed me outside and around to the bay doors where he could more appropriately detail it out to one of the technicians. This is when it happened.
I stood off to the side and heard him once more explain what he needed done. As he did so, he pulled his mask down to more comfortably have this conversation with my tech. When I looked up at his profile, I immediately lost the ability to breathe and my heart seemed to stop for a split second until it jump started into a speed that surely could be heard from space. His profile–his crooked nose, his long lashes, the shape of his jaw, his receding hair-line and hair styled just so–they were familiar and instantly ignited feelings of fear and a deep sadness I hadn’t felt in so long. Ethan*. Only, this wasn’t Ethan. Ethan lives 320 miles from me and as far as I know has dropped off the face of the planet. This was just an unwitting customer who needed his tire fixed. But, the similarity was so striking that I went back to that place in my mind for the next few moments.
Thankfully, his mask was donned when he came back into the store to settle at the register, but I took several sneaky glances as he went for his credit card and focused his attention on the machine to pay. His eyes were the same shape and color. The shape of his face and jaw line were also exactly the same. Then, he took his mask down again to say something as he left and I noticed his mouth, lips, and even his teeth were exactly the same as Ethan’s. He was the spitting image of a man who reminds me of the darkest time in my life.
When he drove away, I finally allowed myself to take a full, deep breath. My feelings around this whole encounter are so hard to figure out for myself, but let me see if I can tap them out on this keyboard in a way that makes sense.
I don’t miss Ethan. I don’t find myself longing to be with him again. If there ever was a relationship in the string of those I’ve been a part of that was toxic to the very core, it was me and Ethan. No, the feelings I felt today were of such sadness and grief that it’s difficult to comprehend. That face was a reminder of the depths of depravity I had sunk to in the last year I lived in active addiction. That face reminded me of the days on end that I was awake without the ability to sleep because I was so high. That face reminded me of the many times I put a needle in my arm for “just one more hit”. That face reminded me of the lengths I would go so I could make it to the ABC store for that bottom shelf bottle of rum and to the Dollar Tree for a couple packs of 25 cent kool-aid for my chaser. That face reminded me of the squalor I had resorted to living in because drugs and alcohol were my priority. That face reminded me of the family members I had hurt and consequently lost because of repeated manipulation and lies. That face reminded me of the numerous, shameful things I did to support my habit. That face reminded me of despair, defeat, and darkness. That face reminded me of what always seemed to be crouched just outside the door of my mind: death.
I hate that a face can take me to such places in my memories, but at the same time, I think God was answering a prayer for me in a way that I never expected. Not too long ago, I asked Him to NEVER let me forget where I was. I told Him that I never wanted to resort back to who I used to be because of pride in my thinking that I had “gotten it”. If I can be completely honest, I did not want this to be how I “never forgot”.
The wise counsel of my favorite mentor went like this when I told her: “Aaah…but maybe [God] granted you what you asked for…in a way so real you could remember it all through your emotions. Now thank Him for His regenerating power, for giving you a new heart and transformed thinking…and, keep on moving.”
Today was hard. Today I was faced with a ghost from my past that made me remember who and where I used to be. But it also reminded me of who and where I never want to be again. I remembered that part of my life so vividly and allowed myself to feel every emotion, and Jesus was there hanging on to me the whole time. Or, was I hanging on to Him? In any case, I know God knows what is best for me so I am choosing to see today’s experience as an answer to my prayer. Thank you Jesus for never staying inside of my limited, immature expectations, but always exceeding them. Thank you for never letting me forget.
*Name has been changed
I love yooouu!! ❤️
I love you my sweet cousin. Can’t wait to see what God has for you next!
This sounds amazing!! What a line up. Blessings and prayers ahead of this needed conference!
Thank you for sharing ♥️
Poetic and beautiful. Thanks for sharing