02/27/2021
So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. 1 Peter 5:6

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Philippians 2:5Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love. Ephesians 4:2

Isn’t it just like God to speak to us through His word? I mean, that’s really the purpose of it. It’s living, breathing, alive and active, right? 

I have to admit that some days I don’t FEEL God, and that has a tendency to dictate how I will act, if I am completely honest. I hate that part of myself that needs a FEELING to move forward in a Christ-like manner. What I have noticed though, is that I have a FEELING–good or bad–when I need it most. Even if it’s a feeling of unbearable conviction. 

I’ve had that for the last 2 days. And let me tell you, a feeling of unbearable conviction, for me, was a motivator to right a wrong that I had committed. 

I’m close to one of the managers who was present during the tongue lashing I gave the bay supervisor a few days ago. He knows of my faith and we’ve had many conversations about Jesus during our work day. Yesterday when I walked into work, the weight of conviction over my actions the previous day rested squarely on my shoulders, and even behind the mask we have to wear he could see that my spirit was heavy with this burden. Immediately upon my “Good morning” to my co-workers he took me aside and asked, “What’s wrong?” Of course I told him nothing but he persisted in his inquiry. For those of you reading that know me, you probably know that I wear every emotion on my shirt sleeve so it’s hard for me to fool people. Mr. B was no exception. He knew I was NOT okay, and as I write this, I am grateful for his persistence in finding out why. 

I looked away and before I could help it, my eyes filled with tears. The following was our conversation:
“Mr. B, I feel terrible for how I responded to Tim* and his non-action on my behalf. I didn’t let God defend me, and I know He’s disappointed with me for that. My reaction was really a culmination of the little girl I was and the adult I became who has always felt like she had no defender. If I am honest, my response to Tim really had nothing to do with him. He just became an easy target.”  Mr. B gently replied, “I understand. Do you think you might want to apologize to him? I can go with you, if you think you want to.”

I hung my head, and the thought of apologizing made me sick to my stomach. Initially, I said no because this was between me and God, right? It is also just like me to justify NOT giving an apology when it is due in the very moment I KNOW I should be giving one. But Mr. B stood there with me in silence. I think he knew I was contemplating. I think He also knew it would take a second for me to hear the Holy Spirit nudge me into doing exactly what I knew in my heart I should. 

Finally, after a few moments the Holy Spirit spoke to me and out of my mouth came the words, “Yes, I think I need to apologize. Will you go with me?” To which Mr. B replied, “Of course, I will.”
So we set off together to find Tim. 

Exactly 90 seconds later, in a sea of tires, I stood face to face with Tim. A man who I had taken it upon myself to, basically, condemn to hell because he didn’t defend my honor to a vile customer just a few days before. A man who may or may not know my Jesus but was created by the God I love just the same. 

I looked Tim in the eyes and saw what Jesus must see when He looks at all of us. Tim is fearfully and wonderfully made just like I am. He was created in the image of God just like I was. He makes mistakes just like I do. How could I ever put myself in a position to be his judge?  But I had, and now was the time for me to make it right. I didn’t know how he’d respond but I trusted the Holy Spirit to give me the words and to prepare his heart. 

After a deep breath and a silent prayer, I said, “Tim, I was just sharing something with Mr. B about our meeting the other day, and now I need to share it with you.” Hands folded in front of him, visibly shaking with nervousness, I realized that he was scared of what was going to come out of my mouth. My shame over my previous days actions to make him feel this way engulfed me, and I choked back tears. He nodded his head as if to signal for me to go on, so I did. 
“Tim, I walked away from that meeting yesterday thinking I’d feel better after all of the things I said, and the truth is, I didn’t. I felt much worse. My reaction to how you responded Sunday was a culmination of things from my past that came to a head then and out of my mouth to you yesterday. If I am honest, my reaction really had nothing to do with you, and I want to apologize that you were the target of those feelings. It was wrong. I was wrong.” 

I saw his shoulders relax as I spoke and his eyes became softer as he looked at me. Then he said, “It’s okay, Amanda. And I want you to know that I know I could’ve handled that situation better and I am sorry I didn’t. And as far as your past? I may understand more than you think I do, and I am here if you ever want to talk. Just know that I will never let anyone treat you again the way you were treated on Sunday. I will have your back better in the future.” I couldn’t help the tears that sprang from my eyes just then because the Holy Spirit had done just what I asked Him to: gave me the words and prepared Tim’s heart. 

Look…I know that this is only the beginning of healing for this age-old hurt I carry. I know that I may find myself in situations again where I feel the need to defend myself. But I trust that this was a breakthrough. I trust that God allowed all of this to happen to really SHOW me that whatever I felt I didn’t have as a kid and whatever I have looked for in other people since can only truly come from Him. But it can’t come from Him if I take it upon myself to act on His behalf every time.

 
He’s a good Daddy, y’all. Even in discipline, He’s good. And He will defend me when I need Him to if I just step back and let Him. 

Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. Proverbs 11:2

*Name has been changed