02/21/2021
Another hard day in retail. Insert eye roll. 

But really, today was hard for me. I tend to forget what research says about the brain when a person dives head first into addiction. I guess the consensus is that it stops developing. If that is true then my brain is only 20 years and…576 days old? Whoa! And here I sit on the brink of turning 40! Looking back on the 20 years before I started using, I would have to say I was just as naive as the next girl. I trusted everyone and believed everything. I also lived in a home where angry words and threats were currency to get me to do and act the way my parental unit wanted. I didn’t carry that naivete into addiction, but I did carry the anger. 

At dead center of my addiction I had managed to land a pretty amazing job as a Human Resources manager for a home health care agency. I was responsible for about 600 employees, and I got my job done. But I can’t say that I made very many friends. In fact, I would have to say that I made about 600 enemies. I was never pleasant. I was always irritated. I never hid my annoyance on the phone to employees, and my body language in the office gave a clear message that I didn’t have time for anyone to bother me. I was a tyrant. I did not care what people thought of me. Or, if I did, I rebuffed their opinions with more indignation and exasperation to the point where most of my employees and co-workers dreaded the thought of having to communicate with me in any way. 

When I got sober–when I met Jesus–something changed. Over the last 576 days of sobriety I have become…pleasant, likable, friendly, kind, personable. I have become nice. Hey, no one is more surprised than me, people! Anyone who knew me in the past can tell you what kind of person I was and “nice” is not even in the realm of possible words they would use to describe me. But it’s true. 

That’s why today was so hard. 

A customer came in and I greeted him just like I do every other. “Hello! How are you, and how can I help you today?” Initially, he was short with me. Curt. I continued with my jovial attitude and little nuances let me know that I annoyed him. Okay, fine! He wouldn’t be the first customer that my peppy attitude has annoyed. So I shrugged it off in my mind. Of course, I was a little miffed that I probably wouldn’t reach my goal with this one in that he would leave in a better mood than when he came. But…I persevered. He was annoyed that I needed SO much information in order to write up his car for an oil change. He was annoyed that I needed exact mileage. He was annoyed that we didn’t have his oil filter (because he had a make and model car that we don’t see very often). He was just annoyed. I began to think that maybe he was just having a bad day UNTIL I heard him speak to several of my co-workers with much respect and not a trace of annoyance. Now I was annoyed!

I STILL let his attitude go. And then…he came over to check out after service was complete on his car and the proverbial crap hit the fan. He started cussing at me, using F-bombs like they were dollar bills at a strip club, and I had had enough. I looked at him and said, “Sir, I don’t like the way you have talked to me since you walked in the door so I am going to get my manager.” His voice followed me to the shop door, F-bombs assailing me all the way. When the manager came out, this customer transformed and was just as pleasant as could be. So pleasant, in fact, that he got the discount he’d been soliciting all along! I truly started to think I was going bonkers! 

Eventually, he dropped that F-bomb several more times to me in front of a few other people, was quickly discounted (I still don’t know why), and then given the keys to his VW Atlas. And, what is a VW Atlas?!?! 

*Sigh* I left work tonight feeling old feelings of irritation, annoyance, exasperation, and just plain ol’ bitterness. I left work with a hurting heart. In my 20 year and 576 day old brain, I seem to have the mindset that when you are kind to someone they are going to be kind to you. However, what I am learning is that I live IN this world, but I am not OF this world. And IN the world, people are hateful, bitter, vile, spiteful, disgusting, and just plain mean. IN the world, people are not always going to return my kindness with the same, and today’s realization of that hurt my heart. 

As I sit here, rapidly pounding on this keyboard to get my thoughts onto a screen, I think of Jesus…and my keystrokes slow as I am humbled by another realization. Jesus carried the very cross He would die on up to a hill called Calvary. Along the way, people spit on him, mocked him, beat him, and most assuredly, they cussed at Him. He didn’t stomp away from what He had to do, brows furrowed, arms crossed, and tell God, “They’re being mean to me! I’m not doing ANYTHING for them!” Can you imagine where we’d be if he responded to his haters this way? No, He responded in the only way He knew how. He poured out his life in love for people like me…and people like the mean man I encountered today. 

Maybe I’m not Jesus, but I strive every day to be like Him. I fail exponentially. I know I did today in my thoughts towards the man who hurt my feelings. But if today taught me anything, it is this: No matter how old scientific research may say my brain is, I am a child of God and my words, thoughts and deeds need always mirror this truth no matter what another person says or does to hurt my feelings. If Jesus loves them, so should I. 

Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9

Lord, please bless the man who was not nice to me today. Amen