I feel mentally constipated. There is so much I want to write about, but lately I’ve had nothing from the Holy Spirit giving me a direction in any specific area. Today, I just decided to do a ‘thought dump’. I don’t know where this will go, but hopefully it leads to some relief for my mind and maybe a revelation for me…and you, the reader.

I wrote about my marital heartbreak a few weeks ago in ‘Bless the Broken Road’, and that has been on my mind lately. I keep thinking back to the wedding reception, and I remember few things about it but I do remember this one thing. This morning a scripture came to mind, out of nowhere: ‘I have found the one whom my soul loves’. (I am not sure what version of the Bible this is from but it’s Song of Solomon 3:4.) I remembered that we had someone re-purpose some pallet wood for us into a beautiful wall hanging and stencil in this very line. It sat up against the wall on a small round table in the downstairs fellowship-hall-turned-reception-area surrounded by fancy cupcakes for our guests, and a cake for us to cut during that traditional portion of the reception.

In all of my almost 40 years of life, I have looked relentlessly for someone to love…someone to love me. I have compromised my body, my mind, my emotions, my entire self to find that someone only to turn around and discover one day that whoever the person of the moment was at any given time, they were not filling the endless void in my soul. I thought Jeff* was ‘the one’ which is why I think the end of our marriage hit me so hard. I thought that we were impenetrable, that nothing could take us down. Addiction was the one thing that could…and it did.

Today, when this scripture came to mind, I wasn’t reading in Song of Solomon. I was reading about Gideon in the book of Judges. I still can’t quite understand how they coincide but they must…somewhere deep in my subconscious there must be a connection.

Unless…

Now, just go with me here. Gideon was commissioned to rescue Israel from the Midianites. But, why? Scripture says in Judges 6:1 ‘The Israelites did evil in the Lord’s sight. So the Lord handed them over to the Midianites for seven years.‘ (NLT) What had they done? Well, from what I understand, they had, once again, chosen to worship other gods instead of the one true God-the God who brought them out of Egypt. They do this a lot, by the way, if you haven’t read any of the Old Testament. It’s a bad habit they seem hellbent to make a tradition.

I look at my years of overwhelming desire to be in a relationship as an idol. I have given more thought, time, and energy to a person or finding a person than I ever did to God. The same God who rescued me from my Egypt-the slavery of addiction. Still, to this day, even after the Holy Spirit has been perfectly clear about how He wants me to spend my time and focus my attention, I seem to desire it more than I ever have before. So, essentially, I am still worshiping the idol of romantic relationships. I don’t want to be. I want to be focused only on Him-only on His love for me and my love for Him-focused on discovering more of His character. But this idol still has a place in my life, and that is so discouraging to me.

So my flesh and my spirit are at war, I guess. Maybe that’s why that scripture popped into my head this morning. I HAVE found the One whom my soul loves. I truly have. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Yet, my flesh still has moments of weakness that make me somehow forget all of that. Just like I am sure the Israelites experienced. They must have had those same moments of weakness that made them turn to other gods for fulfillment. Because of their own disobedience and lust for worldly things they were subjected to cruelty by the Midianites that resulted in starvation. (Judges 6:6 NLT)

This is what happens when we decide to turn to the world for fulfillment, isn’t it? When we look to people to make us feel whole; when we spend money we don’t have to appear as someone we’re not to people who don’t matter; when we subject ourselves to thoughtless intimate relationships just to feel comfort for a moment; when we use drugs as a way to feel okay in our own skin. We become starved in our spirits, don’t we? I know I have done all of those things, and none of it ever fed the hunger in my soul.

Not like Jesus has.

Even on bad days when I feel so lonely it’s unbearable, Jesus meets me right where I am and reminds me of His Word that fills up the aching parts of me which no man, material possession, social status, or drug has ever filled up. I don’t always get it right these days, but I have to trust that He will always be enough.

So, I HAVE found the One whom my soul loves.

His name is Jesus. He took my sin and shame upon His own perfect body on the cross at Calvary. He did that for me. He did that for you. He did it for all of us. Nothing and no one could ever love my soul-your soul-like Jesus does. Nothing.

Lord, remind me in my weakest moments that You are the Bread of Life, and only you can satisfy the hunger in my soul. Thank you for loving me even when I am tempted by the world and what it has to offer. Thank You for never giving up on me and always drawing me back to You by the direction of Your Holy Spirit. I love You, Jesus. You are the only true Lover of my soul and all I could ever want or need. In the name of Your Precious Son Jesus, Amen

*Name has been changed.