August 2021 will mark two years that I’ve walked with Jesus–two years that I’ve grown to know Him and love Him through His word and through His very real presence in my life. He’s spoken to me through many dreams, met with me through music, and spoken over my life through people. He’s revealed the many facets of His character to me in some of the most unusual places on my walk with Him: at work, in my car, in the quiet of the night, and in the chaos of the day. He’s never far from my mind. I think of Him all day long.

Yet, sometimes I still have doubts. I doubt that I’m doing the ‘christian’ thing right. I doubt that it’s really Jesus speaking to me. I doubt that what I feel in my spirit is really from Him. Sometimes I even doubt if He’s real. You’d think that after all He’s rescued me from that I’d be as sure about Him as the nose on my face, but I must be honest and say that there are days I’m just not. There are days I wonder if I’ve gotten it all terribly wrong.

Last Friday night I got into a conversation with a co-worker who professes a very different religion than the Christianity I know. I didn’t (and still don’t) know much about his belief system, but he sent me an article regarding a particular subject about which I will not go into detail. Needless to say, I read the article to get my own glimpse of where his faith might be and found myself reading it with my mouth agape in astonishment. It went against everything I have learned about Jesus and heaven up to this point. It shook me, folks. Not only did it shake me, but it made me worry about my time here on earth. And it made me question my place in eternity. All the doubts that I’ve held on to since meeting Jesus were front and center in my mind, and the ‘What ifs’ plagued me relentlessly for the next 24 hours.

It’s just like the enemy to grab hold of what I think is small enough not to worry about and use something like this to blow it out of proportion in my mind. And that’s exactly what he did. I was a mess for the next full day. I found myself depressed and so overly tired I skipped out on a meeting I should’ve attended on Saturday. Instead, I slept off and on and watched mindless TV shows the few moments I was awake. I couldn’t get my thoughts to focus nor could I spend time in The Word like I do every morning. I couldn’t even talk to Jesus, y’all. The enemy had defeated me in one fell swoop.

But only for a moment…

Saturday evening I finally got myself up, grabbed my prayer journal and got in my car. My plan was to try a new lake location a friend told me about that was 45 minutes away. So I headed in that direction. I turned on my This is Bethel worship playlist and just drove. I don’t remember much of that drive, but I do remember leaning into the drivers side door in a posture of defeat at one point and saying, ‘Lord, I just need your presence to fill this car. I need an assurance that I don’t have this wrong, that I’m not working towards something that isn’t even for me. I need some kind of sign that You are who You say You are, that You are who I have learned You to be over the last two years. Lord, I need something.’ And I continued to drive.

I made it to the new lake, but it wasn’t what I had imagined for my time alone so I quickly turned around and headed to my favorite spot at Lake Rim. On the way, the atmosphere in my car began to change as Kristene DiMarco’s voice rang out through my speakers with her song, It is Well. Something told me to put it on repeat, so I did. And continued on my journey to Lake Rim.

When I heard the first bridge, I began to weep from the very depths of my soul and did so until I parked my car in my favorite spot overlooking the water at the lake.

As I sat there looking out over the lake, I listened to it over and over again and wrote out my thoughts to God in my prayer journal. At some point, I simply closed it, attached my pen to the cover, laid it aside, folded my hands in my lap, rested my head back on the seat, and just gazed out at the water letting the tears fall as freely as they came. In the seat next to me, I felt the presence of the Lord. And He simply sat there with me as my thirsty soul began to drink Him in. For the next several hours He wrapped me in waves of love I find it hard to describe.

I don’t think I could ever come up with the appropriate words to illustrate experiencing the love of Jesus like that, but I can tell you that it was more powerful than any drug I have ever injected into my veins and more intoxicating than any drink I have ever consumed. It was sweet and strong; thrilling and relaxing; intense and peaceful.

It was exactly what I needed.

I realize tonight that He didn’t answer any of my questions. He didn’t try and quiet my doubts with scripture, and He certainly didn’t lead me to Google to search out an answer. What He did for me that night was so much more powerful and relevant. He simply sat with me in the midst of my doubt and unanswered questions, and He loved me.

I may never know the answers to the things that have made me question this life and the one to come, and I believe that is for my benefit. But what I do know sitting here tonight, without a single shred of doubt left anywhere in my being, is that God is real. Jesus is real. His Holy Spirit is real.

And I am loved.

I know with a certainty down to my bones that I have a place in heaven at the feet of Jesus where I can bask in His love for eternity.

And tonight, because I know this deep down in my soul…

It is well. 💕