Not less than 24 hours after I purchased my car in 2020, the check engine light lit up on my dash. Since it was the first time I had ever owned a car on my own, it freaked me out, and I panicked. I drove my little Nissan Sentra back to the dealership the next day, and they kept it for two more to fix the problem…or so I thought. For several months after, the check engine light never reappeared, and I drove my “new to me” car as carefree as a child on summer vacation. I didn’t worry…at all.

Just before Spring of 2021, I had all but forgotten there was a ever a problem until…the check engine light appeared once again. After many hours of research, multiple trips to the Nissan dealership, and approximately $400 out of pocket for spark plugs, coil packs and labor, the problem still wasn’t remedied.

I was frustrated.

So, I bought myself an OBD-II code reader, learned how to attach it to my car and how to read the codes, and, most importantly, how to erase the code that made that blasted light continually turn up on my dash. For about 10 months now, each time that annoying little yellow engine shows up, I swiftly grab my code reader and promptly erase it. Nothing makes me feel more (falsely) secure than a “clean” dash while I am driving.

The other day while moseying along on my drive home from work, the Lord showed me something about my life that kinda relates.

I was an addict for 18 long, miserable years. When I experienced feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, depression, anxiety, anger, fear, loneliness, jealousy, or rejection (among many others), my Modus Operandi (M. O.) was to ignore it and ERASE it with some substance, drink, or illicit sexual behavior.

I realized as I drove along that night that none of the deep emotional damage was ever really fixed when I was high, or drunk, or in the arms of a stranger. The problems embedded inside of me–the roots to all my issues and the reasons leading to addiction–were still ever present, if not worse, when the temporary effects of my choices to cover them wore off.

I’ve tossed around the idea of trading in this car for a newer one without fixing the problem that triggers my check engine light. But the Lord showed me through this that this has been my problem for a very long time. If something doesn’t work the way I want it to, if a relationship doesn’t unfold the way I think it should, if friends or family don’t respond to me the way I believe I deserve, if I don’t like the feeling I’m feeling, it’s been my M. O. to ignore it, cover it up, or toss whatever it is to the side and move on to the next, never actually putting in the work or effort to FIX anything.

*Sigh*

Of my 2.5 years of sobriety, I’ve only been actively working my recovery for 18 months. The process of facing my hurts, habits, and hang-ups, examining their root source, and processing what I find, is hard work and sometimes very painful! And it requires effort and labor on my part that I cannot do apart from my Heavenly Father.

As the saying goes, “Nothing changes if nothing changes.” In recovery, I’m taking the necessary steps to change how I deal with my hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and daily, I notice change. I don’t respond or react like I used to. If I feel something I FEEL it, process it, and move on from it. There are less and less attempts at ignoring or trying to cover up those things that are uncomfortable. And I am gradually healing from the inside out as a result.

This is more than I can say for my car.

So…I am approaching this check engine light problem differently. I’m not going to trade it in just yet. I’ve purchased the parts to fix the problem at the core of this check engine light, and it was a bit uncomfortable to see how much it will cost me…maybe even a smidge painful. But there is a lesson in this for me.

I can’t fix what is broken unless I acknowledge that it is, infact, broken.

My car is broken somewhere underneath, and it needs to be fixed. Not ignored. Not covered up. Not traded in for something newer with a new set of problems. Fixed.

My life was (and still is in some places) broken somewhere underneath, and my spiritual check engine light was warning me of the dangers if I continued “driving” without paying it any mind. It needed some serious attention. As a result of my hard work and daily effort (never done apart from God), I have experienced true and lasting healing in some of those broken parts of myself…a wholeness that no amount of ignoring or covering up could ever produce.

If you are just like I was (and can still sometimes be), why not join me in doing something different today? After all, ‘Without change, there’d be no butterflies.’ (Maya Angelou)

Thank you, Lord for speaking to me and showing me where some old habits or mindsets still linger. Teach me to be different than I was. Give me the strength and courage to fix what is broken rather than ignore it, cover it up, or find something else to focus on in its place. I love you, Lord. Amen